Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with exhaustion, I think I couldn't get any more tired. But then I do. Instead of sleeping through the night, as is their routine, they wake up three times a night. Instead of taking their afternoon nap, they scream through the whole thing piercing your ears with the memory of such a scream for all eternity. Work, blogs, phone calls, emails, projects, chores, and bills pile up and I stay up too late tackling these tasks. Despite this seemingly eternal sleep debt, I still show up to work on time! It is indeed a miracle!
Sometimes, I'm so overwhelmed by anxiety that I have mini anxiety attacks. Like the first time I drove away from the girls and left them with Charles, I thought I'd how he would feed the girls should something happen to me in the car. Like the time Charles was going to drive the girls in the pouring rain, and I thought about how devastated I'd be if I lost all three of them. Like when I think about the dangers of my husbands' job and wonder if he'll be home safe tomorrow. And like today when I smelled gas as I drove away to work leaving the nanny with the girls to visit with the energy man.
Sometimes I feel so selfish that I complain about our living quarters, or our yard, or my wishlist. And I am constantly reminded how lucky I am. That I have a job at all. That we have a house and we still can afford the mortgage. That my health and the health of those I love is strong.
Sometimes.....
3 comments:
I have felt everything you've described - you've worded it so perfectly. I can only imagine how everything for you is doubled though (extra lack of sleep balanced against the extra dose of amazingness.) My mom reminded me about your blog and I'm glad I'm getting a chance to catch back up. It will get easier, as I'm sure tons of people have shown you. Just remember that it's OK to let as much go as possible (chores and fears). You'll be back to your old self and life before you know it. BTW, I sent you a xmas card (please don't worry about sending us one if it adds an extra chore to your list!) and I think I forgot to put your last name on it! So hopefully it will make it to you anyways...
I love your writing style, and I know I have said that before and keep mentioning it, but it really is good enough to even 'do something' with it. I see a similar talent with Kristy and with your mom.
Your words take the person right there..even to a specific moment. I could 'hear' the baby's sleepy sigh; I could 'feel' that soft breath on my shoulder as I was reading your post. And those of us who have experienced that, just smile and 'know'.
And the anxiety is so understandable. The only thing about anxiety is the reasons for it, that change. It seems as you have things of real value then the fear of losing them; or of not doing your best to protect them is very strong.
I think the greatest two experiences in life that develop a person's character and strengths the strongest come from marriage and parenthood.
And I feel that it is the natural course of Life, that these experiences draw you closer to Him Above. That Relationship develops into the kind of relationship that He has been waiting to have. Just as He has entrusted Charles and the girls to You; so also He wants you to entrust them to Him.
I love you. I love that you allow us to see into your life in a way that most people could never express. I love that you love so deeply and appreciate how special your lives and the lives of your little loves are. There are too many people who are angry, burdened, and disconnected from their lives and the lives of their children. You are a most incredible woman, mother, niece, & friend. I am in awe of you.
I love you.
J.
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